life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
