wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
