he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Enjoy the penises
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
