How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
