Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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