if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
