This dress was meant to end up on your floor
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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