new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
