I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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