I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
