Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
