I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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