I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
