Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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