Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
