Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
