I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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