I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
