This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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