Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
