I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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