News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
