i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
