My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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