I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
