Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
