I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
