I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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