I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize