Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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