I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
