you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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