Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
