Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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