It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
