So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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