I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Randomize
