In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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