Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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