my soul wont recognize me after tonight
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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