Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
