I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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