I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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