I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
