So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize