someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
