i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
babies were throwing up all over the place
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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