apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
