He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
