32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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