My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
be right there i have to get my cape
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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