it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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