I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize