I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
