Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
