Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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